Sunday, April 26, 2009

The Phenomenon of Facebook - A True Story

I sent this tale to the New York Times Magazine's Lives Lived column, but they rejected me. The beauty of a blog is that you can post all your rejected submissions on your own!

In 1969, when I was seven years old, my family moved from Canada to England for a year. My father, a college professor, had a year’s sabbatical, and enrolled in a Master’s of Linguistics program at the University of Essex. We took a ship across the ocean (because my mother doesn’t fly), and settled down in southeast England, on a small and somewhat obscure island near the town of Colchester, called Mersea.

Mersea Island was a child’s paradise. Miles of beaches, lined with small huts, were deserted in the off-season. The house we rented was huge, and came with a dog and a cat, left behind by the owner, who had business in Libya that year. The house was located on a street with only a few other homes, and the roadway was unpaved. Our backyard was filled with flower beds and apple trees. All around our property were grassy fields, quiet lanes, small woods, and riding paths – a pastoral wonderland for a child accustomed to the decidedly urban landscape we inhabited in Canada. 

My mother, British by birth, plunged her only daughter into the full English experience. School uniform, sweets at the sweet shop, Enid Blyton and C.S. Lewis, piano lessons (given by the local corsetiere, who clearly needed to supplement a lagging career), and, best of all, weekly riding lessons at Miss Catchpole’s Riding Academy. Miss Catchpole’s was a mish-mash of tin-roofed stables that housed ponies and horses of all sizes and temperaments, including “Charlie,” a pony with long curly reddish hair. Charlie delighted in rolling on the Mersea sands, and consequently had to be kept on a lead. As the most inexperienced of all Miss Catchpole’s students, I usually ended up on Charlie.

At the stables, my mother chatted with another parent, and I was soon introduced to a young girl my own age – Louise – who lived not far from us. As it is with young children, we became friends very quickly, our mutual love of all things horsey bonding us. We drew horses together, we rode imaginary horses through the lanes and woods of Mersea, we entered national newspaper contests to win ponies, and generally lived, breathed, and ate horses and ponies, in the fashion of all horse-mad young girls and women.

The year sped by. As I rode Charlie or galloped my bicycle to Louise’s house for tea once a week, my father completed his master’s degree. In 1970, we returned to Canada. Louise and I exchanged a few letters, and she sent me pictures of her new pony, Silver Sixpence, but we eventually lost touch with each other. My father took me out riding a few times back in Canada, but Western-style riding did not appeal to me, and I lost interest after a few months.

Years later, I returned to Mersea Island for a brief drive through with my husband, to show him this idyllic spot. Mersea had changed, but not as much as I thought, and I easily found our old house and some of my old haunts. Miss Catchpole’s Riding Academy, alas, was gone, as was the sweet shop. I did not try and look up my friend Louise. At the time, I wanted to preserve my memory of two horse-mad little girls.

But as I reached my mid-forties, connecting with old friends became more important. The Internet has opened up a relatively easy tunnel for mining the past. I recently rediscovered several friends through Facebook. But I searched in vain for any signs of my old friend Louise, until one day, I found a Facebook Group for people who had lived on Mersea Island. I joined the group and posted a brief note about my year there, mentioning Louise, Miss Catchpole, and even Charlie, the horse, wondering if anyone out there would respond.

Within two weeks, I had an email from a woman who had seen my post and who had known all three of my long-ago acquaintances. We exchanged a few tentative emails, confirming facts and comparing notes. Convinced of her legitimacy, I asked her to remember me to my old friend, Louise. But her reply was not what I expected. She explained that, not only were Miss Catchpole and Charlie long gone, but my friend Louise had also died.

After several further exchanges, she provided me with details about Louise’s life, and the fact that Louise had succumbed to a brain tumour in her early thirties. The little girl of my memories had grown up and blossomed into a nurse, a wife, and a popular riding companion. She had lived in London and St-Tropez, and owned several horses. Louise had returned to Mersea, where she spent the rest of her short life. Her family and friends had been devastated by her death, the woman explained.

My cherished Mersea memories are now altered forever by the intrusion of facts and reality. I no longer think of that wonderful year without a tinge of sadness, knowing that my old friend is gone. Yet, at the same time, my memories of Louise have become more real to me because I now know what became of her. She is no longer just a dim childhood memory and a few old photos in an album, but a real person who lived her life. That somehow makes my magical year in Mersea even more important to me, although I’m not entirely sure why.

People and Relationships

The other night, I told a couple of friends that I was reading Dale Carnegie's How to Win Friends and Influence People. They groaned and laughed and hoo'd and ha'd, until I asked them what was so funny. I pointed out that many of our women friends complain on a regular basis about how rude and inconsiderate people are, how difficult some of their relationships are, at home and at work, and with friends. So why did they find it so funny that I would be reading this particular book? 

How to Win Friends and Influence People was published in 1936 (according to Wikipedia) and has sold over 15 million copies. That was good enough for me to at least wonder if there are a few useful nuggets in the book that might help me deal with some of my more challenging moments as I pass through what I have come to think of as "the angry years." These are the years when, due to work, stress, financial pressures, family responsibilities, and relationship strains, it is easier than ever to get annoyed at minor infractions by persons known and unknown. And as we get older, I think we do tend to become a little too protective of our own dignity, personal space, and perceived position in society.

About eighteen months ago, I had some issues with a senior manager where I work. The man was difficult, to say the least, at the best of times. He was also prone to drinking excessively at lunchtime, then coming back to work and being verbally abusive and obstreperous to fellow managers and employees alike (not to mention customers). I am the only female manager in a sea of IT professionals, who serve a customer base made up primarily of engineers in the defense industry, many of whom have military backgrounds. Can you think of a work situation more likely to feed the fires of female midlife anger? This guy was simply the icing on the cake.

Thankfully, I was mature enough to at least see that I was in a no-win situation. He was the senior manager of our organization, and I had to put up and shut up. The silver lining in all this was my direct manager, who was as smooth as silk with everyone. He inspired me. How could he take the crap our senior manager handed down daily and keep smiling? He inspired me enough to take a course in conflict management, and to take advantage of our Employee Assistance Program to get a little one-on-one counselling on dealing with Mr. Boor, the senior manager.

And surprise, surprise - I actually learned a few practical steps to deal with direct conflict that actually worked! The first one was "Conflict is inevitable; combat is optional." This was a revelation to me at the age of 45. I could disagree with someone and not have to take it personally and get into a fight! I could simply say "That's great - we see things differently!" It was a huge weight off my soul, quite literally.

So eighteen months later, after putting these practical lessons into practise, I am much more effective at dealing with conflict situations and not emerging from these discussions feeling terrible. But I still find that I run into situations and people where these practical lessons do not help. And so, I wanted to dig a little deeper into how to set an initial tone with people that would engender good relationships from the start, whether colleagues or strangers on the street that I encounter as part of day-to-day urban living. That's when I found How to Win Friends and Influence People. I bought the audiobook and listened to it on my iPod as I ran. It was not so much a revelation as a reminder of how easy it is to interact with people if we simply stop focusing on ourselves, and pay attention to the human being in front of us, or on the phone, or on the other side of the counter.

I highly recommend this book as a refresher in human relations and understanding people. The basic principles of Mr. Carnegie's book are listed below. But the book itself provides many real-life illustrations and examples (however dated some of them may be - the principles still apply - human beings have not changed that much in the past 70 years) and is an interesting and lively read.

Fundamental Techniques in Handling People

Principle 1 - Don't criticize, condemn or complain
Principle 2 - Give honest, sincere appreciation
Principle 3 - Arouse in the other person an eager want (i.e., make them want to help you)

Six Ways to Make People Like You

Principle 1 - Become generally interested in other people
Principle 2 - Smile
Principle 3 - Remember that a person's name is, to that person, the sweetest and most important sound in any language (i.e., remember people's names)
Principle 4 - Be a good listener. Encourage other people to talk about themselves
Principle 5 - Talk in terms of the other person's interests
Principle 6 - Make the other person feel important and do it sincerely

How to Win People to Your Way of Thinking

Principle 1 - The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it
Principle 2 - Show respect for the other person's opinion. Never say, "You're Wrong"
Principle 3 - If you are wrong, admit it quickly and emphatically
Principle 4 -Begin in a friendly way
Principle 5 - Get the other person saying "Yes! Yes!" immediately
Principle 6 -Let the other person do a great deal of the talking
Principle 7 - Let the other person feel that the idea is his or hers
Principle 8 - Try honestly to see things from the other person's point of view
Principle 9 - Be sympathetic to the other person's ideas or desires
Principle 10 - Appeal to the nobler motives
Principle 11 - Dramatize your ideas
Principle 12 - Throw down a challenge

Be a Leader - How to Change People Without Giving Offense or Arousing Resentment

Principle 1 - Begin with praise and honest appreciation
Principle 2 - Call attention to people's mistakes indirectly
Principle 3 - Talk about your own mistakes before criticizing the other person
Principle 4 - Ask questions instead of giving direct orders
Principle 5 - Let the other person save face
Principle 6 - Praise the slightest improvement and praise every improvement
Principle 7 - Give the other person a fine reputation to live up to
Principle 8 - Use encouragement. Make the fault seem easy to correct
Principle 9 - Make the other person happy about doing the thing you suggest

It is actually quite extraordinary how well these simple principles work, and it is equally extraordinary how many people today do not apply them. Part of the reason, I'm sure, is because we are all so busy and have to interact with so many people and deal with so many channels of communication. But these principles are easy enough to put into practise without burdening ourselves, and the outcomes actually smooth and expedite many of the daily transactions we have to conduct.

I encourage anyone who has become disheartened or fed up with people, in general or specifically, to read this book and apply some of the techniques. You may find that many of your issues simply go away by using these simple but magic principles.

 








Saturday, April 25, 2009

My New Broom

A couple of years ago, I realized that some plain facts were staring me in the face: I am a woman. I am in my forties. And I am losing the precious commodity of youth, which can aid and abet a woman's path in the world. As I started staring down the long tunnel to 50 and beyond, I began to feel a little worried about the emptiness stretching before me. I don't have children to focus on.  I'm not a shopper or a clothes-horse. I don't have an all-encompassing hobby or passion like some of my friends. I'm not an executive. I'm not driven by material things, like a beautiful home. Yes, I have a husband, and a good job, and a modest but pleasant home. Yes, I have friends and family. But if I have all that, what more is there?

Life before 40 is all about possibility. Who will I marry? What career will I have and will it be successful? Where will I live? Will I have children? Looking back, I see now how quickly the years pass after university and before middle age. You're so busy finding the partner, building the career, nesting the home, that you don't see the most critical and fruitful period of your life going by. And then, suddenly, 20 years have gone by and you're ALMOST FORTY!!

The realization hit me quite suddenly and pretty hard, although I should have seen the warning signs. The slow diminishment of glances, whistles, and come-ons that seemed to just be a part of everyday life since I'd been a teenager. It came as a shock to finally realize that I hadn't been the recipient of those primarily because of my looks, but more likely just because of my age and gender. 

There were other signs. I gained weight more easily. I stopped listening to new music. I didn't know the names of the newest crop of Hollywood stars, and I didn't care. Most major-league sports stars were younger than I was.

And then, one day, while walking the dog, it hit me - my life is basically half over. HALF OVER! I haven't written a novel. I haven't made it to the top of the corporate ladder. I will never be in the Olympics. I am not famous. I am not rich. I am just ... me. Suddenly, the sky was falling on me, and I felt myself, literally, duck for cover. My own mortality had just swooped down and buzzed me.

What was going to spur me on to a new stage in my life? Were there new possibilities? What would be different? What would be better? What would be worse? What was the point?

Things got pretty bleak for a while. I'm not prone to depression - just the opposite - but I was alarmed at how fast the first half had gone by. I had to do something to mark the halfway point and launch me into the second, albeit less exciting, half.

So, I did the equivalent of the middle aged guy buying the sports car. I dropped 15 pounds, grew my hair and highlighted it, and got a new wardrobe. Along the way, I also did a couple of triathlons, just to prove that I could still do them at 40 (actually faster than I did them at 32). For a while, I felt better, younger, thinner. Things went along swimmingly, in fact.

And then, menopause started. Early. At 42. Talk about a blow to your femininity. Just when you think you have 8 to 10 more years of being, if not literally, then at least figuratively, fertile and therefore desirable, you hit "the crone years" (thank you, Germaine Greer, for making us all feel so good about being older women by describing us with the medieval term for witches).

The thing about menopause is, it's not about the end of menstruation. (Although, if there is one REALLY good thing about menopause, it is the end of menstruation.) No, the thing about menopause is that it really is the beginning of something new. Women are lucky in the sense that we have bodily evidence of the changes in our lives. We get our periods. We give birth. We breast feed. We get hot flashes. Our bodies tell us what stage of life we are in. But, as all women know, these can be painful and difficult points of entry into new stages of our lives. Our bodies go before us, signaling to us the changes that are to come. And we are dragged, sometimes kicking and screaming, with them.

I wasn't so much dragged into menopause, as I was dropped, precipitously, into the cauldron of hot flashes, with barely a warning.

And so, my midlife crisis hit me all over again, and this time, it was even scarier, since I was ten years ahead of where I should have been. My life was accelerating in some kind of crueler twist of the Benjamin Button phenomenon - I was getting older, but at an accelerated pace!

So over the past year or so, I have begun to pull together and explore the world as a new and different woman. I am sweeping clean many of my old perceptions and trying to see things in a different light. I have used the "new broom" analogy for my blog because "a new broom sweeps clean" and because the broom has many interesting symbolic connections for women.

If you are a woman in your forties, or you know one, or you're just interested in what one might have to say, please read on.