How to Win Friends and Influence People was published in 1936 (according to Wikipedia) and has sold over 15 million copies. That was good enough for me to at least wonder if there are a few useful nuggets in the book that might help me deal with some of my more challenging moments as I pass through what I have come to think of as "the angry years." These are the years when, due to work, stress, financial pressures, family responsibilities, and relationship strains, it is easier than ever to get annoyed at minor infractions by persons known and unknown. And as we get older, I think we do tend to become a little too protective of our own dignity, personal space, and perceived position in society.
About eighteen months ago, I had some issues with a senior manager where I work. The man was difficult, to say the least, at the best of times. He was also prone to drinking excessively at lunchtime, then coming back to work and being verbally abusive and obstreperous to fellow managers and employees alike (not to mention customers). I am the only female manager in a sea of IT professionals, who serve a customer base made up primarily of engineers in the defense industry, many of whom have military backgrounds. Can you think of a work situation more likely to feed the fires of female midlife anger? This guy was simply the icing on the cake.
Thankfully, I was mature enough to at least see that I was in a no-win situation. He was the senior manager of our organization, and I had to put up and shut up. The silver lining in all this was my direct manager, who was as smooth as silk with everyone. He inspired me. How could he take the crap our senior manager handed down daily and keep smiling? He inspired me enough to take a course in conflict management, and to take advantage of our Employee Assistance Program to get a little one-on-one counselling on dealing with Mr. Boor, the senior manager.
And surprise, surprise - I actually learned a few practical steps to deal with direct conflict that actually worked! The first one was "Conflict is inevitable; combat is optional." This was a revelation to me at the age of 45. I could disagree with someone and not have to take it personally and get into a fight! I could simply say "That's great - we see things differently!" It was a huge weight off my soul, quite literally.
So eighteen months later, after putting these practical lessons into practise, I am much more effective at dealing with conflict situations and not emerging from these discussions feeling terrible. But I still find that I run into situations and people where these practical lessons do not help. And so, I wanted to dig a little deeper into how to set an initial tone with people that would engender good relationships from the start, whether colleagues or strangers on the street that I encounter as part of day-to-day urban living. That's when I found How to Win Friends and Influence People. I bought the audiobook and listened to it on my iPod as I ran. It was not so much a revelation as a reminder of how easy it is to interact with people if we simply stop focusing on ourselves, and pay attention to the human being in front of us, or on the phone, or on the other side of the counter.
I highly recommend this book as a refresher in human relations and understanding people. The basic principles of Mr. Carnegie's book are listed below. But the book itself provides many real-life illustrations and examples (however dated some of them may be - the principles still apply - human beings have not changed that much in the past 70 years) and is an interesting and lively read.
Fundamental Techniques in Handling People
Principle 1 - Don't criticize, condemn or complain
Principle 2 - Give honest, sincere appreciation
Principle 3 - Arouse in the other person an eager want (i.e., make them want to help you)
Six Ways to Make People Like You
Principle 1 - Become generally interested in other people
Principle 2 - Smile
Principle 3 - Remember that a person's name is, to that person, the sweetest and most important sound in any language (i.e., remember people's names)
Principle 4 - Be a good listener. Encourage other people to talk about themselves
Principle 5 - Talk in terms of the other person's interests
Principle 6 - Make the other person feel important and do it sincerely
How to Win People to Your Way of Thinking
Principle 1 - The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it
Principle 2 - Show respect for the other person's opinion. Never say, "You're Wrong"
Principle 3 - If you are wrong, admit it quickly and emphatically
Principle 4 -Begin in a friendly way
Principle 5 - Get the other person saying "Yes! Yes!" immediately
Principle 6 -Let the other person do a great deal of the talking
Principle 7 - Let the other person feel that the idea is his or hers
Principle 8 - Try honestly to see things from the other person's point of view
Principle 9 - Be sympathetic to the other person's ideas or desires
Principle 10 - Appeal to the nobler motives
Principle 11 - Dramatize your ideas
Principle 12 - Throw down a challenge
Be a Leader - How to Change People Without Giving Offense or Arousing Resentment
Principle 1 - Begin with praise and honest appreciation
Principle 2 - Call attention to people's mistakes indirectly
Principle 3 - Talk about your own mistakes before criticizing the other person
Principle 4 - Ask questions instead of giving direct orders
Principle 5 - Let the other person save face
Principle 6 - Praise the slightest improvement and praise every improvement
Principle 7 - Give the other person a fine reputation to live up to
Principle 8 - Use encouragement. Make the fault seem easy to correct
Principle 9 - Make the other person happy about doing the thing you suggest
It is actually quite extraordinary how well these simple principles work, and it is equally extraordinary how many people today do not apply them. Part of the reason, I'm sure, is because we are all so busy and have to interact with so many people and deal with so many channels of communication. But these principles are easy enough to put into practise without burdening ourselves, and the outcomes actually smooth and expedite many of the daily transactions we have to conduct.
I encourage anyone who has become disheartened or fed up with people, in general or specifically, to read this book and apply some of the techniques. You may find that many of your issues simply go away by using these simple but magic principles.
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